Punishment?

When I don’t think of something to write about soon enough, I’m going to start uploading my awful poetry from high school.

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Yes, I was having SAT practice test angst. Shut up. You know you felt it, too.

It’s half punishment, half encouragement. It’s punishment for me because I don’t want to face up to the fact that I wrote this crap and thought I was so cool / deep / artistic. Do any but the most talented writers look at their early work with pride? But I’m trying / struggling / hoping to see it more as a step toward that goal of breaking out of my shell. That’s the encouragement aspect.

I share everything. I’ll share food, advice, time – anything I have that I can reasonably give, I will. Yet the one thing I don’t share is myself. I can’t / won’t / don’t share my thoughts or reactions readily. I think I fear people reacting to my genuine self.

What would be wrong with that?

There’s really nothing that I should feel the need to hide from people. On a day-to-day basis, a good deal more transparency wouldn’t hurt me at all. Yet there’s the me in the world, and the me in my head, and they don’t often coincide. I’m quiet-ish. I’m reserved. I’m fairly shy. I’ve always been those things. Interaction is difficult, and there’s no one who could ever possibly judge me in my head, so that’s where I spend a lot of my time.

In high school, they would often read us a specific quote from St. Julie Billiart. “Be like the sunflower that follows every movement of the sun”. So at the same time in my life when I was artistically showcasing my SAT practice test angst to no one but my keyboard,  I was at the same time being shown that I could really stand to loosen up and let myself and my emotions be seen. Flowers don’t close up and hide when a warm, kind, inquisitive beam of sunlight falls on them. Why should I?

So I’ll try harder to share more and get more comfortable with / stop being afraid of the self in my head. She needs some fresh air.

More to follow.

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Poetry, Understanding, and The News Lately

I suppose starting to try to blog with any amount of regularity wasn’t really the most practical choice I could make while also trying to find a job and a car and an apartment. But alas, I feel compelled to keep trying, so today you’re going to get some really juvenile and overly-simplistic poetry that I wrote for my high school French class.

We spent a lot of time in French 4 AP learning about various Francophone countries, and discovering bits and pieces about cultures where French is widely spoken. Many people from these countries immigrate to France in search of jobs. In this piece, I attempted to take on the voice of a father from Senegal who travelled to France in search of a better job, to create a better life for his wife and daughter back home.

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Here’s a rhetorically accurate English translation :

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Please understand that today, having grown since the time I wrote this, I wouldn’t dream of writing about a topic which it is impossible for me to have enough knowledge about to address in such a way. This was for a school assignment, written in 2011, when I was 17. It indicates that I was unaware and immature. I like to think I’ve grown since then.

And while an imperfect ABCB rhyme scheme with fairly simplistic word choice makes this not my most mature attempt at poetry either, there’s nothing juvenile or overly-simplistic about the message I was trying to get across. At my high school, we were encouraged (nay, groomed) to be social justice activists, and to be continually aware of the realities of our world. As a white person whose family has been in America for over 5 generations, I have no way of knowing how either people of color or immigrants (or those who are both) feel or think, or the extent to which discrimination affects them daily. All I can say is that I’m sure it is vast.

Lots of things have happened recently. Lots of things have happened as long as our country, our society, our world, has been around. It’s all connected, it all needs to be addressed, and it all warrants attention and media coverage and prayers and action – but especially that which has gone uncorrected for far, far too long, and those problems which continue to present themselves as the most pressing issues of our time.

From me and everyone else who can’t possibly begin to understand the extent to which so many communities and individuals are hurting right now, and have been for so long, in the words and incredibly calming voice of Markiplier, please be good to each other. Be as good as you possibly can.

More to follow.