Punishment?

When I don’t think of something to write about soon enough, I’m going to start uploading my awful poetry from high school.

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Yes, I was having SAT practice test angst. Shut up. You know you felt it, too.

It’s half punishment, half encouragement. It’s punishment for me because I don’t want to face up to the fact that I wrote this crap and thought I was so cool / deep / artistic. Do any but the most talented writers look at their early work with pride? But I’m trying / struggling / hoping to see it more as a step toward that goal of breaking out of my shell. That’s the encouragement aspect.

I share everything. I’ll share food, advice, time – anything I have that I can reasonably give, I will. Yet the one thing I don’t share is myself. I can’t / won’t / don’t share my thoughts or reactions readily. I think I fear people reacting to my genuine self.

What would be wrong with that?

There’s really nothing that I should feel the need to hide from people. On a day-to-day basis, a good deal more transparency wouldn’t hurt me at all. Yet there’s the me in the world, and the me in my head, and they don’t often coincide. I’m quiet-ish. I’m reserved. I’m fairly shy. I’ve always been those things. Interaction is difficult, and there’s no one who could ever possibly judge me in my head, so that’s where I spend a lot of my time.

In high school, they would often read us a specific quote from St. Julie Billiart. “Be like the sunflower that follows every movement of the sun”. So at the same time in my life when I was artistically showcasing my SAT practice test angst to no one but my keyboard,  I was at the same time being shown that I could really stand to loosen up and let myself and my emotions be seen. Flowers don’t close up and hide when a warm, kind, inquisitive beam of sunlight falls on them. Why should I?

So I’ll try harder to share more and get more comfortable with / stop being afraid of the self in my head. She needs some fresh air.

More to follow.

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